its been a while since anything new popped up on my blog. for a couple of weeks i suppose? well, no doubt, its because i hardly have time to do something as important as visiting the doctor these days. and i think i've been falling ill way too often this year. that's not good news. especially in this year. the A levels year......

i'm tired. i'm very very tired. no. i'm not exaggerating. if i can sleep right after dinner at 8pm all the way till 5am in the morning, i'm pretty sure there is something seriously wrong with my body. i dunno. is it only me? i dont hear of my classmates having this problem. so why do i have it? it's really hurting my health. today's friday. exactly one week ago, i started having diarrhea-like stomachaches, on and off. it only got better on wednesday. that is almost one week of stomach pains. and the stomachache meds i have did not really work too. so what's wrong? i don't know...... why is it only me? and yesterday i caught a cold. which worsened today. sniffling, coughing like mad until my lungs are aching and my voice is changing. ouch. it almost hurts to breathe. but i'm not sure if that's a physical, mental, or emotional thing.

i guess, school has really drained me out of everything. health, time, life. i'm so tired of it. so tired of waking up every morning to go to school, and constantly living with the nagging fear that i won't do well in the final A levels. the most difficult, most important exam i have ever taken to date. ha-ha. worry? about what terence? you'll do fine. you'll do fine.

i dont blame people who say this. they don't understand. they don't understand my desires. why should they. does it benefit them? nah. but still. i'm scared. i'm scared shitless about it. about not getting what i want. i know i have to work for it and not just sit in front of my computer, typing to myself thinking that i must do it. plain thoughts aren't gonna get me anywhere. not without action. so why am i so resentful towards pulling my ass outta my bed, or chair, or floor, or wherever, to start working? i know its an excuse. but i'm tired. i'm really very tired. i need a break. a real break.

besides school, its not like my life is prospering in the other aspects as well. for reasons which will never be typed out publically. the emptiness is overwhelming. and guess what's keeping me from filling in the void; or should i say, denying me the CHANCE of filling in the void. is... school. again. my wonderful timetable. every. single. day. since term 2 started. i end later than 4pm. excludin the half day which was not put to good use at all. except to study for chem test. that translates to..... a very seriously unholy hour somewhere on earth. how can i expect to do anything then? i can't. and i'm feeling down in the dumps because of it. depressed. though no one will ever know why. because i can never say it. sighs. its no one's fault. except probably, my own... my teachers always ask this question when i complain about something. "so whose fault is it?" the answer? my own. '

sometimes i wonder, what did i do to deserve this treatment. what kinda unforgivable crime did i commit to deserve this? i dunno. but since no one else seems to be feeling like this, i suppose... the fault is all mine. once again.

missing..... missing.