OH MY GOD. I JUST CRACKED THE LCD SCREEN OF MY PHONE A FEW HOURS AGO WHEN I AM RIGHT AT THE THRESHOLD OF MY HOUSE. i am UPSET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to say the least. let me describe this the best i can in the damaged state of mind i am in:

so.... i was unlocking the door.. and SOMEHOW... STUPID me didnt put my phone in my POCKET.. but balance it PRECARIOUSLY on the metal grills. and of course... the worst thing happened. by wonderful asshole of a phone got KNOCKED down by my elbow.. and CRACK... hit the step on the house. i was in shock. i picked the phone up... and slid the screen up. it confirmed my worst fears. there is a HUGE crack RIGHT down the MIDDLE of the LCD screen. and it gets worse. it's not just a crack that left a line in the screen which still lights up with display... it is a crack.. which totally killed the screen entirely. it is now BLACK. and no display AT ALL. immediately, i started to panic. "F*** HOW MUCH IS THIS GOING TO COST ME! I'M BROKE!".. that thought was racing and repeating AGAIN AND AGAIN in my brain. until i'm almost nuts. and of course.. the first thing i did was announce to the whole world that my phone as SPOILT and that immediately brought much unhappiness in my life. because right away, my mom black faced.. and my sis shook her head. and i knew i screwed up big time. wait. i knew i screwed up the moment i picked up the phone. so of course. i went into panic mode and begged my sister to help me get it fixed TOMORROW. and i was so worried about the cost of the repair because i am seriously broke and NO ONE is going to sponsor this because its my own f**king fault. so i panicked. and i spent a lot of time sweating and panicking in my room... ranting to.... fabian... S... and other people who i deem vv important to me. and i kept doing that until i finally calmed down and accepted the fact that i screwed up and i should just consider my options to repair the phone or to get a new one. taking into consideration all the nagging that will come is i get a more expensive phone because one: i cant afford it. two: i honestly dont NEED the wonderful features of a smart phone. and three: i am obviously not responsible and mature enough to handle a more expensive phone. in other words, i dont deserve to get a better phone just because i screwed up.

and i was... visibly upset... to put it in the MILDEST way possible. i was FREAKING out BIG TIME. typing a lot of really really nonsensical things and being very stubborn and bitchy. even though i know that it is my fault. and i know that i cant afford a new phone and i'll have to take responsibility and pay for the repair.

the worse thing is... after i calm down... i realize what a total, complete, BITCH i was and if anyone behaved like me... i would be SUPREMELY annoyed by the person. in other words, i realized how terribly unbearable i was. and how much of a turn off it can be. that's when the problem starts. because... i have been ranting to close people around me. and i was very very unreasonable, stubborn and plain bitchy about it even though it is seriously not these people's fault that i broke my phone.

my mom is right in saying that... i cannot over react like that. i have prelims now and i cant even study because of how panicky i was. i was frantic. she reminded me... painfully. that this pales to nothing in comparison with the importance of my education. and my dreams. of studying overseas. that was like a slap in the face for me. then she went on to say... you want to be a doctor. how on earth can you do that if you are going to freak out just for a STUPID thing like a PHONE which is really insignificant?

i guess i still have much to learn... to mature and grow as a person. this is a behaviour befitting of a 10 year old. not at 17 going on 18 teen. it's time i took responsibility of my actions. and more importantly, it's time i learnt.... that some things are more important than others. i NEED to stop letting small things like that... stop me from doing other.. much more important things. this is of utmost importance. how can one hope to accomplish great things when focusing on such insignificant matters? and i also realized how bad my crisis management is. my sister has always told me that. but i think it's time i did something about it. it's time i not let my emotions get in the way... and use my brain.. to SOLVE things. instead of freaking out. because freaking out... just. doesnt. HELP. at all.. period.

this is a serious character flaw... the materialism. the greed. the plain stubborn-ess. and worst of all... the ranting and extremely impulsive behaviour. and i regret my actions. i regret ranting like that. because i know that it is unbearable. and that regret... is made worse... because of the person who i rant to. because of the sheer importance of that person's opinion of me. i really regret this. i regret letting that very UGLY side of my nature rear it's head. i lost control. and now i'm suffering the consequences. the fear. the remorse. why you ask? because..... because... i am afraid... i am scared... that the exposure of such a major character flaw... will push that person away from me. and i just hope.. and i'm praying very hard. that that person... will not think any less of me... because of my impulsive actions. though i know i wont be able to blame anyone if that happens but myself.

but guess what terence. it's too late now. what's done is done. i can either wallow in self pity. or i can choose to fix this mess i made. and it is time for me... to pick my sore ass up. and face the problems... like an adult. not a kid.

so to all the people who were involved in the travesty of listening or having to experience my unbearable freaking out session...namely.. Mommy, Sis, Fabian and S, i am truly sorry you had to go through that. i know that this is a very severe character flaw. and i swear. i will work on it. and i will amend it.

and finally... even though you may not read this. i hope i can clear this mess up. because it hurts... to even think that you may think any less of me after this dramatic and totally uncalled for episode.