i'm diggin that song XJ recommended me... Give You My All. by Eyes Set To Kill. lol. he just put the vid on his blog... anyways... you can youtube it if you want.

It's a nice song because it's kinda sweet. Almost bittersweet somehow. But right now, I seem to only be able to relate to those first 2 lines, "Glass hailed from the sky that night. I couldn't hide. To save my life". Why? Mystery of all time. I guess this has something to do with why I'm totally abusing my body - NO I'm not mutilating myself, or cutting myself, and I am DEFINITELY not suicidal - by "abuse" I mean the totally unearthly hours I go to sleep and erratic sleep patterns I seem to follow. Because strangely for a boy who used to be scared shitless of the dark, it is in the dark and silence of twilight that he finds solace - well, at least some semblance of it.

But I guess the question is, solace from what? The 'A's? The buzz of the city? Or being around people who can never know exactly what I'm talking about. Well, in times of doubt, choose the last option. "All of the above". (no, i'm not saying that THAT is the answer. that can be anything.)

However, the thing is, I don't WANT solace. Who does... it just means that you are dealing with a shitload of stuff that you don't wanna deal with. I want something else. Certainty, maybe? Pouring a part of yourself into a gaping void and watching it as it disappear is not fun.

I read something lately. In most cases, even in the closest ones to 'perfection', people always keep a tiny piece of themselves... to themselves. That tiny piece so jealously guarded because it will be the only thing left when everything else is gone. It is that piece of yourself which will allow you to recover from anything. I guess the terrifying side of this... is that if ever someone gets access to that final piece, and something goes wrong... what happens then?

Of course whatever thing I'm facing doesn't have the magnitude anywhere NEAR that. So I'm not too worried. But eff that. It still hurts to think about it. I dunno... maybe i'm bipolar (i probably am.... a little..) and so i'm just overthinking it to depress myself. Think about what exactly? (i have to keep asking this in this post coz i'm not mentioning it at all and i'll get confused.. LOL.) oh yeah. about wanting something. fundamentally... it's all about wanting something. new clothes... good grades... $$$... a good job... something that is seemingly impossible to have. because it's real. and so are the barriers.

Sighs. It can bring me to the highest points, or the newest lows. Isn't it just amazing? Yea... it is. Yea... it IS.

- come on, get higher.