in exactly 2 weeks from now, i wont be at home anymore. whisked away to spend 2 weeks in living hell. i dont think i've ever noticed my hair as much as i have these few days. if you know me, you would probably know that i never do anything to my hair. hell i DONT know how to do anything with my hair. i hate putting stuff like gel or wax on it or basically style it in anyway that is different from how my hair looks like when it is dried. now doesnt that just explain ALL those days where you see terence with seriously messed up hair? haha. but these past few days my hair has been surprisingly docile and easy to manage... i would go so far as to call it decent looking... the way it drapes over my face. i'm sure many people will beg to differ with me but whatever.

point is, i dont give much thought about my hair usually... but i find that nowadays, i'm very sensitive towards it.. in a way. i notice the way it flutters and tickles my eyes when it catches the wind... i pay more attention to it's texture when i run my fingers through it... feeling it's softness and smoothness.... noticing when it starts to get oily at the end of the day... how that changes when i wash my hair everyday. cant imagine how it'll feel as short little stubs... i swear i have NEVER had hair that short ever since it grew on my head as a baby. i realize that i make a lot of these kinda observations these days. spending all that time alone, just thinking about things.

this morning i had a nightmare. it was kinda creepy. i was having fun in paradise... huge pool... magnificent resort. think CGI shangri-la. was really crazy having the time of my life at the waterfall/slide thing. so after jumping down this waterfall once, i got back up the side of this lake sized pool and passed through a lot of gates... when i pushed the final gate open i saw an office...2 guys having a hushed conversation inside. i sensed it was something sinister... but i couldnt see their faces. when i went to this really ancient lift complete with those double door you have to open manually.. to bring me back up to the top of the ride, one of the guys in the office was there... back facing me. i felt very uneasy around this stranger... but at the same time a sense of familiarity. so i pressed my floor, 16 and i noticed he was going to the top floor, 21. so when i finally got to my floor, i opened the door to get out. but before i stepped out, the guy asked me, "what floor are you stopping at?" and i suddenly felt very frightened.. and i said.. "sixteen" and i rushed out the lift. when i turned to close the outer door, this guy turned around and looked straight into my eyes. and this guy was actually.. me. i think i screamed or sumthing and he.. i mean... I.. just gave me this sinister kinda murderous smirk and kept looking at me as the lift moved up. and i woke up... somehow feeling very very terrified and creeped out... what on earth is up with my brain coming up with such weird things in my head?! i think i'm terrified.. of.. myself...... the question is... why and what am i so scared of???

ok. why did i spend majority of my post talking about my nightmare when i havent even addressed the title of this post yet? was on the phone with XJ last night. we were talking about quite a lot of stuff that we wish will happen. if everything works out... by that i mean going to the US to study. going to BROWN to study to be specific. so i'm sure he will remember talking about.... stuff that is not to be repeated to people outside our innermost circle. and i dont know why this particular part of our conversation left such an impression on me... ok yes i do know because i keep thinking about it. wanting it so bad it literally hurts. yes fabian now you should know what i'm talking about TOO. u see it all the time in shows... usually flashes of these things. moments in time forever preserved. and how much i want to HAVE these moments to capture but not knowing when, if ever, i can get that golden chance. wow i hardly know what i'm talking about.. whatever i wrote sounds so choppy and confusing to me. hahaha... nonetheless, it is an organised mess.

- all i ever think about.