I'm finally back in the dreaded Singapore. *sighs* Leave for a month, and everything changes - the bus fares, the buses, the scenery... The worst thing is that I left my Singapore SIM card back in HongKong and so I feel a little - isolated from my circle of friends here. Guess I have to wait for my card and my iPod to get air-mailed back before I can experience any nuance of normality again.
It does seem a little weird being back here and knowing that the school term has already begun but not going to school. It's almost like as if I've become a sort of outsider, observing and watching the flow of events taking place in the city around me. Hard to believe that only a year ago I was a part of that hustle and bustle. Waking up early, going to school, getting stressed, coming back home exhausted, rushing through that mountainous pile of homework and some form of project, using the computer when I'm not supposed to, and finally sleeping at ungodly hours. Well, I suppose that last bit still applies to me even now.
Being eighteen and legal, a lot of new doors have opened. New oppurtunities, a new way of life. But at the same time, a lot of doors have closed. There's no going back to the time of relatively carefree innocence. No going back to life as a youthful student. It's like as if I'm an animal, bred in captivity; and now I'm finally released back into the wild. Alone. To face the big, bad world. The adult world is a battleground. Endless battles and wars. A Darwinian world indeed. I am truly intimidated for the first time in my life. Mortified. Of what is to come. The uncertainty. The responsibility that comes with freedom. I don't know if many people feel this way. But even with family, and friends surrounding me; even with the rest of the seven billion people out there, I have never felt more alone before.
Yesterday night, I was celebrating the "pre-birthday" of one of my closest and dearest friend. I stayed over at Fabian's place. I think it's safe to say that he, Xianjun and I am exhausted from out night out. I hope you had fun Fabian, you deserve it. And on the way home from Bishan, I had a lot of time to think. Reflecting of the happenings of the night before. The things that happened. The things that didn't happen. Things that I wanted to happen. Things that I wish with every fibre of my being for it to happen. There is a difference between the two. Impulses to do things that I know I will regret. Things that seem to bring temporary relief by playing pretend - escapism, if you will. So many things to think of. So many things that I actually thought of. My brain is in a whirl right now. It's so confusing. I don't know how to react. Hell, I don't even have the courage to pick up the phone to call my besties because I don't know how to express myself.
Maybe this is why people like to hide behind computer screens. Because it's the easier way out. Because they want people to know about them, but not know them. Why? Does knowing that someone knows your inner thoughts make you feel better? Even if that person may not even know who you are? I don't really know for sure. I found out last night that it is really terrifyingly easy to be someone in cyberspace, but be a totally different person, in person. But does that mean either one of those two personas must be make-believe? If not, why is it so difficult to be the same person typing and talking. Afterall, you are still you. Right?
If only ... ... ... , ...(...) .
- ev'ry so often we long to steal, to the land of what-might-have-been.