yesterday, it finally came. the 'A's - or rather, the lack of. i dont think i've been this scared in my life. when i saw my name under the slide of people with 3 distinctions, i was at a loss. i didn't know if i should be happy or sad. what shocked me the most... what worries me... is not the loss of the final A, but rather, the fact that my Economics got an A instead of my Chemistry. Just my luck. i had to do worse for the most important science subject compared to the lesser contrasting subject. 3As... 2Bs... and a pass for H3. i guess my predictions are spot on. it was exactly what i wrote down on the nominal role in army.

this leads me to a state of panic and worry. with a B in chemistry... NUS med school is going to be slim. i have 2 other options left. PLME in brown university, or HKU med school. i also realized that unless i get into that specific program in Brown, there is absolutely no point in me going to the US to study as an undergraduate. it's simply economically unwise. unless of course i choose to pursue something other than medicine. and choosing another thing to major in opens up a whole new territory for me. what can i go into? biomedical science? dentistry (wait... i doubt i'm qualified.)? pharmaceutical science/research (where CHEM is extremely important...)? forensics? or good ol' Biology. like i said, a whole new world for me.

regardless of chances or results, i have decided to follow the advice of my wise teachers and go ahead to apply for everything i want to. NUS, Brown, HKU. and in the meantime, i have decided to devote my block leave on finding out more about universities and thinking through everything and planning out everything that i will need to do to increase my chances of getting to my goal. SATs, essays, community service, teacher recommendations, part time jobs, everything that is in my power to do. yes. focus on the things you need to do to get to where you want to be.

- i want my own dream, so bad i'm gonna scream.